Ode to a LemonDrop
by mkeeg91
Summary: Ever wonder why Professor Dumbledore always eats those lemon-drops. What affect could they possibly have on him? Read and find out. Mentions of H/Hr. More of a crack fic than anything else.


**Ode to a Lemon-Drop**

**Characters belong to J.K. sad (for me) but true. President Softfoot is my character as far as I'm aware.**

**This is a little idea that I've had in my head for a one-shot, but I finally decided to write it. Hope its never been done before. Highly doubt that though. Enjoy!**

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><p>Albus too many names Dumbledore was sitting in his office one day just pondering life. He actually found himself doing this more often now than he used to. So many things in life were going just as they should be; yet many others were not. True, it was sad that Harry had to be abused by his relatives, but it was for the greater good. Sadly, Sirius had to die that last spring, but was once again necessary for the greater good.<p>

On the other hand, not everything was going to plan. That darn Granger girl just had to makes friends with Harry and even worse now she gave him something to look forward to so he wouldn't want to die a martyr's death anymore. Stupid teenage hormones. Why did she have to say yes when he asked her to marry him?

As he was thinking this, Albus picked up another one of his lemon-drops and popped it in his mouth, just twirling it around with his tongue to get all of its delicious lemony flavor. His lemon-drops served another purpose though. One that was less than pure. They were coated with a special syrup that made any who consumed them more loyal to him. They also made the person respect and listen to everything he said without doubt or with very little doubt at least.

Now, many would wonder why he would willingly eat something that was coated with this substance. His answer, if he was ever willing to answer questions truthfully in the first place, was that he was the great Albus Dumbledore and no lemon-drop would ever defeat him! What he didn't know was that the lemon-drops did have an effect on him. Maybe not at first, but after consuming them for the last thirty-seven years, they had been affecting him beyond even his wildest dreams.

Ever wonder why Albus too many names Dumbledore was always so sure that he was correct? Why does he assume he knows all and that no other counsel is necessary? Why, I'm glad you asked fair reader. It's actually quite simple really. Albus too many names Dumbledore… was addicted too himself. All thanks to said lemon-drops.

As noted before, the lemon-drops encourage the consumer to believe everything Albus said and to trust him, so naturally Albus trusted himself without a second thought. Why should he not? The great Albus Dumbledore would NEVER lead him astray! The very thought of that great man being wrong! Preposterous! Heresy I tell you! So, Albus too many names Dumbledore trusted one Albus too many names Dumbledore and anything he had to say.

The lemon-drops were having other affects on the old Headmaster that no one else noticed. He began talking to himself out loud. He would even have debates with himself deciding what was for the greater good. He became dependent on his lemon-drops even more so than food and water. He began hallucinating; seeing or creating situations that were ridiculous, like the fact that a fifteen-month-old child could defeat a Dark Lord. Miss Trelawney and he had so much fun making up fake prophecies together. It's a shame she actually thought she had the gift, but at least he found a professor to teach that waste-of-time class that he couldn't remember the name of… And luckily, Snape heard part of it so he could tell that handsome young man, Tommy about it. It's a shame really. Tommy had been one of his favorite partners. Oh well, it was for the greater good to make him turn to the dark arts.

As Dumbledore sat sucking on his lemon-drop, he saw the door open. In walked one of his few advisors that he actually listened to anymore; President Softfoot. Now, most would ask, where is he president? Since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you; Hareville. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Albus too many names Dumbledore has gone around the twist. Sitting in front of his desk smoking on an expensive cigar was a six-foot jackrabbit wearing a suit and bowler hat with a monocle in his eye and a cane in his hand.

"Good day Mister Dumbledore, good day I say to you," said the walking rabbit.

"Well hello Mr. President. I'm glad you could make it," responded Dumbledore.

"Well it sounded important good sir! What ails you this time?"

"Mr. President, I have grave news. The chipmunks have decided to launch an invasion of the potions labs. I fear for my lov…. Er I mean, my potions professor's good health," Dumbledore responded trying and failing to cover up the fact that young (and rather dashing as he would say) Professor Snape was his newest bed buddy, not that Snape would remember since Albus had to keep obliviating the man since he kept trying to run away or gouge his eyes out when that happened.

'Thank goodness for freezing spells,' thought the old Headmaster. 'Sevy-poo keeps playing hard to catch for some reason.'

"Well then we must alert the swallows. I hear they were having chipmunk problems as well," replied the rabbit.

Now, while this quite interesting conversation was occurring, the person who really walked into the room was standing by the door staring as Professor Dumbledore continued to talk to his hand, which he would then respond to himself in a higher pitched voice. Never in her many years of teaching had Professor McGonagall seen such a sight and thus promptly fainted shock. Dumbledore never noticed.

It would be another twenty minutes before Professors Sprout and Flitwick arrived to the scene of Dumbledore dueling an invisible foe with a… wait! "Is that a plunger," was the general consensus of the two professors. Dumbledore noticing them quickly conjured two more toilet plungers and threw them to the two professors shouting to quickly choose a chipmunk to fight as he quite nimbly for his old age jumped into a crowd of invisible chipmunks whom he began dueling from all sides.

He was quickly stunned by the professors and levitated to Madam Promfrey to look over for drugs or something that could have caused their professor to act so strangely. They would later learn how close to being correct they were when the nurse found that he had finally cracked from an overdose of lemon-drops. Luckily, there were not any students in the medical wing at the time because once again McGonagall fainted.

Later at dinner that night, many students noticed the Professor Dumbledore was missing from the table. Just as Professor McGonagall rose to make an announcement, the doors to the great hall slammed open and there stood Albus too many names Dumbledore in all of his glory. Really, I mean ALL of his glory wearing his birthday suit, a suit top, cane, bowler hat, and a cigar in him mouth unlit. Proudly proclaiming to the whole hall, which was a mix of students frozen in shock and others losing their lunch, dinner, and in some cases breakfast, "Fear not little people! I, Professor Dumbledore and my companion" switching to his higher pitched voice "Professor Softfoot" back to his normal voice, "will keep you safe from the chipmunk invasion! Now, in my absence, I would normally name President Softfoot as Headmaster, but since he is going with me on our adventure, I select our longest standing professor to take over as Headmaster. On this note, I'm glad to select Professor Rubeus Hagrid as your new Headmaster!" Hermione's voice could be heard over the crowd, "but Hagrid's only been teaching for four years!" Before anyone could respond, Professor Dumbledore started to speak again.

"Now that everything is settled, I must be off! Don't worry Severus my darling! I shall return for you!" He then conjured a pink bicycle and rode out of the great hall to never be seen again. Granted, it's not his fault that the dumb bridge he rode across had a big hole halfway across it where Harry and the horntail had crashed through it three years before. It's not his job to fix it! Mr. Filch has more than enough magic to fix it own his own! At least that's what Albus told him three years before. Shame really.

Back in the great hall, the students and staff were still shocked by what they had just seen and heard. Severus was curled on the ground rocking back and forth sucking on his thumb, but no one noticed him. They were shifted from their shock when they heard a knock on the door of the great hall. Standing before them all was a six-foot jackrabbit wearing a suit, bowler hat, cane, monocle, and smoking a cigar.

"Hello boys and girls, esteemed staff of this fine establishment. I was wondering where I could find a Professor Dumbledore?" After waiting for ten minutes without response due to everyone's shock, one voice stood out from the rest.

"Hey guys! What's going on? Why does everyone look so shocked?" Then, Ronald Weasley's eyes came across the giant jackrabbit. With speed unseen before, Ron jumped out of his chair and ran straight for the rabbit screaming "BUNNY!" the whole way. The great hall was treated to the sight of a six-foot rabbit being chased around the hall by Ron Weasley. Just when Harry turned toward Hermione to ask her what that was all about, he saw sitting in her place was a jackrabbit with a girl's body. He screamed and instantly woke up. Sitting up, Harry saw his girl friend of two years, Hermione, lying next to him naked still asleep. He then remembered last night when they spent their first night together going further than they had before. He realized he must have been dreaming, so he went back to bed after kissing her forehead goodnight. She shifted in her sleep, moving closer to his warmth with a smile on her face.

Elsewhere, a certain Headmaster was having a one-on-one conversation with his friend and confidant, President Softfoot, while sucking on a lemon-drop.

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><p><strong>AN:Well, what do you all think? I'll say right now that it sounded better in my head, but I still felt like posting it. Hope to see some reviews. Working on the next chapter of Royalty. Hope to have that up soon as well.**


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